More Effective Communication
by Trengilly
Summary: Crack fiction off shoot from Radical Change - Heather 'Capella' Jabbah Black embraces the Black insanity curse to solve her love life issues when she is pushed too far by dowager Longbottom. Rated M for descriptions of violence and lewd language.


Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling, I am just playing in her world

More Effective Communication

"Stop! You want me bred four times! Let me get this straight. I can sit back calmly waiting for my extremely intelligent girlfriends to find the jimmy to mess-up your and Dowager Longbottom's plan or I can embrace the Black legacy. You know, 'cursed to insanity and evil', but never able to be found guilty of the wrong doing in a court of law. I think I have good odds to get away with murdering her grandson. So I won't have to spread my legs for the kid and pop out babies on the dowagers repopulate the Longbottom and Black family plan, with side benefit of safe-and-free, bed-and-breakfast thrown in."

Amelia gaped at the twelve year old girl in front of her. Who the hell was she?

"Heather, Neville is our friend." Luna tried to calm down her girlfriend.

"Hey he comes near me pointing that thing at me and yelling open up. Then all bets are off. He's dying in the most excruciating tortured painful method my insane Black blood can dream up. I wonder if I can keep him alive until after I've removed all his skin with a potato peeler. Better I off him before the wards transfer over to him due to scared wizened old wizards that are afraid of a witch with power. Wizards governed by their fear of witches or creatures getting power from them created this backward patriarchal society with no creature comforts."

"Creature comforts?" Hermione hesitantly asks.

"Just follow the jive hon. Remember I'm a Black we're all off the wall crazy with odd verbal ticks. My aunt Bellatrix talks to everyone as if they're a baby and that's when she is closest to sane and isn't killing or torturing them. Come on Neville only thinks Sirius Black isn't a deranged lunatic on Harry's say so, and Harry does have a paternal grandmother that's a Black. Perhaps the papers weren't wrong labeling him an attention seeking, mad, demented liar. Black blood breeds true!"

"Heather you are Harry." Hermione tried to interrupt.

"Says who? I tell you baby, this body is one-hundred-percent Heather, all female plumbing too. Actually I guess I should say its fifty percent you love and fifty percent randy cat kneazle mix. If any mate gets killed by being too weak to handle my claws and bite then it's not forcing me to have a litter of kittens. My psyche is only fifty percent human so I am going to act differently to a regular girl, and that's without the Black curse of madness running through my veins.

"So let the two bit harridan hag know that she better cancel the contract if she values her and her grandson's life. I Heather Jabbah Black swear on my magic to embrace the Black magic and its curse fully and will happily off anyone that dares to infringe upon my freedom and womanly assets."

"Actually, hack that! Brillit, find Neville Frank Lonbottom and incarcerate him in my dungeon."

"You don't have a dungeon Mistress." Brillit carefully replied.

"Kreacher make me a dungeon."

"Yes, Mistress Black shall I get all the Black tools ready for use on those forcing you to let them live behind your lockdown wards; Tools to be used on your priso… 'guests' out of storage?" Kreacher happily inquired.

"Do it Kreacher. Brillit why are you still here? Get Neville for my dungeon."

Dobby suddenly popped in. "You did take over Greatest Harry Potter Sir. You are Meanest cruel murderer…

"Dobby you must listen to me as I am your Mistress, aren't I?"

"Greatest Harry Potter Sir is my Master."

"No, I am your Mistress, Dobby feel the force telling you it is so. And you must call be Bestest Mistress Black Marm or I'll add you head to my current house elf display."

"Shall Kreacher place bad Dobby in new dungeon Bestest Mistress Black Marm?" Kreacher inquired. "Also former Mistress Walburga Black wants to be formally introduced to her darling granddaughter.

"Yes, and let Dobby know if he doesn't repent it will be. Off, with his head! And you can introduce me to my wonderful grandma, Walburga later."

"Soon-not-to-be-fiancée is in your dungeon Bestest Mistress Black Marm." Brillit replied having returned.

"Kreacher do the Blacks' have daggers?" Heather asked and after confirmation. "All house elves stop anyone except me from moving. Kreacher bring me the sharpest I think I'll carve the message in the War Marshal's corpse rather than expect her to correctly inform to the dowager what I said. I think it will be a more effective communication."

"Heather I swear on my life and magic, I will tell Madam Longbottom exactly what you want me to say and get the contract overturned and no lodgers will bother you ever again. Please don't carve me up." Amelia screamed hoping she could see her niece, Susan again.

"Love can you get the house elves to release our binds, please?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know. Can we take the new you to the bedroom Heather? You can tie Hermione and me up if that is your desire." Luna stated, dead pan. "Or we could try out your new dungeon. You will let us have a safe word won't you?"

After Amelia had fled in terror and Heather left for the new dungeon with dagger in hand to visit her new 'guest', Luna carefully leaned over to Hermione. "She went that ape sh#t over birthing a mere four babies. Good thing I didn't tell her that with the wording of the contract it would likely be five not four pregnancies, as Bones and Longbottom erroneously thought out."

"Can you explain that for me Luna?" Hermione requested.

"Well if we were dealing with a human girl and she had one son and two daughters in any combination of the first three children and the fourth was a daughter she would have to have a fifth child to meet those proposed terms in the breeding contract. Of course that is all moot as with Heather being half cat each pregnancy will be a litter not a single offspring. Now would the contract accept a male kitten within the litter satisfying the male birth or would all kittens in the same litter have to be male to count as a male birth. Depending on that she could be forced to have five litters of three to seven baby/kittens."

"Let's not inform Heather of that ok Luna." Hermione carefully said.

"Psst Luna do you think the reviewers have caused our author to catch the Black madness curse." Hermione shiftily asked Luna wary of the keystrokes."

"Nah, she was already bat-shit-insane. Come on fobbed off from one relative to the next 'till at nine when they had run out of relatives interested in her crazy arse they shipped her off to the wilderness claiming it was a school. Her hang-ups have hang-ups, and people called me Looney." Luna carefully replied.

* * *

"Bella stop! Why are you leaving me?" Voldemort exclaimed in agony as his prized lieutenant strode away her belongings hastily shoved in a rucksack.

"W'ittle baby Voldemort gonna cry! Ah didums! The useless Lestrange duo should be able to milk Nagini and get didums bottle warmed. I need to train my niece she has embraced the Black's insanity curse. Together we will be unstoppable. I look young enough that we could go by _The Terrible Black Twins_. W'ittle baby Voldemort just enjoy your immortality and cursing the pure blood idiots you have left."

Swinging the cat-of-nine-tails in her off hand across the reptilian freak's face she swirled allowing her long black cloak to swing out in a dramatic flair and releasing her poisoned athame accidently. The athame flew true, straight into the eye of Voldemort. Killing Voldemort. The magical poison on it was from the Black Grimoire and destroyed the magic of a person cut with it.

Though Voldemort had horcrux to anchor his soul, the poison cut the ties to his magic. He would be an immortal wraith that has no connection to magic. He couldn't be provided a new body through a magical ritual as magic had no connection to him any longer. He could never cast another magical spell. However, he would be immortal in this powerless wraith state. He did want immortality and immortality and only immortality is what he got.

As Bellatrix calmly pulled her athame from the pile of shriveled dead skin, Dumbledore was rolling in his grave. "The power he knew not was the family Black's insanity curse? Fate you're a bitch!"

"Damn straight!"

A/N Thanks MilandaAnza for all your PM's and after you said it - I had to add Bella too


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